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Great one liners for you… via Richard Goard

by on February 23, 2012 in Laughter Spot, Laughter Spot

 

 

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?   All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action.  So I sent her my ironing.

 

 

I got invited to a party and was told dress to kill.  Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  

That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, Christmas is on Friday this year.  Mick said, Let’s
hope it’s not the 13th then.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to
hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window
and cry.  If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows
smashed and everything gone.  What sort of sick person does that to
someone’s Advent calendar.?

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women
happy.  Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a
part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married
for 25 years.  The dad says, Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get
a speaking part.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That’s rather a lot.
Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a
month: time to change supplier I think.

A man called Joseph called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and
when I said white he gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread
for 30 minutes. I think he was a Joe Hovis Witness.

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