• Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn’t kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.
• An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?” “Who told you that?” asked Paddy.
• Question – Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer – So the Scots can understand them.
• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.” “That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”
• Irish lass customer: “Could I be trying on that dress in the window?” Shopkeeper: “I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.”
• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?” “No,” said himself, “but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.”
• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor.
• Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin’ at that time? Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home .
• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. “Quick!” he said. “Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!”“Tell me, is this her first baby?” the intern asked. “No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.”
• “O’Ryan,” asked the druggist, “did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife’s appearance?” “It did surely,” replied O’Ryan, “but it keeps fallin’ off!”
• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
Many thanks to Marlene P in Perth, WA for this gem