St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.
So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
- I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven "says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen to reheat it. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift some time previously, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk, thinking to ease the pain of the Mother Superior's passing..
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail old nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.