Over 2000 youngsters pass celebrity training scheme
The government has announced a massive expansion of its celebrity training scheme, following reports that the last remaining member of the original pilot has finally qualified.
The pilot scheme, started in 1998 in order to prepare young people for a life of vacuous tedium, walking on red carpets and vomiting near photographers, has seen over 2000 youngsters pass through its hallowed portals.
Known to the general public as ‘Sugababes’, the scheme would find unskilled, untalented and unemployed young women and slowly indoctrinate them into thinking they were valuable members of society, whilst actually leaving them as unskilled and unemployable as ever. Each participant would be given a stupid two-syllable name (Keisha, Mutya, Bovril, Heidi and so on) and an armoury of three happy phrases and a gormless smile.
Sugababes was in fact a revision of an earlier pilot known as ‘Atomic Kitten’, which was disbanded after it was found that serious damage had been done to one of the participants – she is still receiving treatment, and antidepressants today.
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