My father fought in World War I single-handedly destroyed the Germans’ lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.
* Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am. “Is that O’Malley’s Bar?” he asks. “No it’s not, this is a private residence.” “Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you,” says Paddy. “Ah it’s no trouble,” says the stranger. “I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.”
* A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”
* Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once. He drank it.
* A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife…”
* A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: “You’ve got three minutes to live.” The man said: “Can you do something for me?” “Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.”
* I don’t think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
* A fella said to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” And the doc says: “We should have told you yesterday.”
* I rang British Telecom. I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: “Not you again.”
* My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.
* My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”