1. You’ll be delighted to know, readers that alcohol does not make you fat. Will has discovered that it makes you lean: against tables, chairs, floors, walls and people.
2. Perhaps the biggest drunk we’ve ever met was the fellow who saw the billboard that read, “Drink Canada Dry.” He went there and tried to do it.
3. A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, ‘I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell.’ The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, ‘Oh no, I’m on the wrong bus, I wanted to go to Baltimore.’
4. Remember, an alcoholic and a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
5. Ever hear the expression “hard drinker”? Never made much sense to me, drinking’s one of the easiest things in the world to do.
6. Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.
The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’
The drunk says, ‘Okay, let’s get started.’
8. Richard comes home from a night of drinking. As he stumbles through the front door, his wife snaps at him, ‘What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?’ Richard replies, slurring, ‘I’m sorry honey. I ran out of money.’
9. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
10. An amnesiac walks into an inn and asks the barman, ‘Do I come here often?’