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Latest : The newly appointed Archbishop of Canterbury has agreed to take on a second job deputising as Director General of the BBC

Excited by the challenge of turning around the fortunes of another national institution floundering in it’s own dithering and regarded as ignorant of the changing needs of its congregation, the newly appointed Archbishop of Canterbury has agreed to take on a second job deputising as Director General of the BBC.

Fully embracing his new role, he said; ‘Where there was harmony, we have brought discord. But let us not forget that where there was Moyles, we have brought Grimshaw. And now, where there was Newsnight, we shall bring nightly repeats of the Blue Planet, till we can think of something else.’

With these words, Justin Welby, recently elevated to the post of ABC, agreed to be DG of the BBC until a suitable replacement can be found. He dismissed rumours that the BBC may be forced to lose a ‘B’ as a result of its failings, although admitted one ‘B’ might be temporarily downgraded to a ‘b’.

Welby, who conceded he has no experience of journalism, agreed that combining the two roles of Church leader and state broadcasting chief would be demanding. ‘That is why I have asked my friend, Oliver Green, currently Chief Rabbi, to stand in for some of my duties as Archbishop while I’m at the BBC,’ he said.

‘I have no real experience in Christianity,’ Green told the media, ‘but I’m more than happy to help, till the Pollard Report into Newsnight’s failings can be delivered.’

Su Pollard will look at alleged editorial failings at Newsnight. A surprise appointment; she is best known for her role in Hi de Hi as the wacky chambermaid. She conceded a ‘lack of experience in media related issues’ but plans to inject ‘a bit of fun into the misery’. She has no plans to give up her role as the wicked witch in ‘Babes in the Wood’ at the Alhambra, Stockport during the inquiry.

Meanwhile, a top secret list of Tory grandees willing to step into Chris Patten’s shoes and shut down the BBC completely has been published on Twitter by Philip Schofield. ‘There has been no shortage of Conservative Peers who have allegedly abused the BBC repeatedly in private, and sometimes brazenly as if ‘hiding in plain sight’, and it goes back over thirty years,’ he said. ‘We’re talking about repeated, vicious and sustained abuse of the Corporation. But at the moment it is right that the BBC puts the victims first.’

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